Out of the Haze

I am pleased to announce that I am back, entirely. I didn’t realize that I was making a departure, but I found myself in a self induced haze brought on by a dietary supplement, the consumption of which was the result of a soul search down dark mental alleys. I will now elaborate on both components of my self induced haze.

Ironwil had described with great ease the burdensome personality traits of endurance athletes. Although I feel that I am far too much of a novice to be able to dignify myself as even an amateur endurance athlete, I do feel that I can uphold the label of endurance enthusiast. With this title, I can say without hesitation that I fit her description of the mentality of ther endurance sport enthusiasts.

The timing of her post could not have been better because I was in the midst of what I perceived to be a great struggle. My training schedule had become oppressive, and difficult to answer. The misstep between total energy expended against the amount of calories consumed had triggered weight and body fat difficulties. I wasn’t meeting the mileage and speeds mandated by the schedule, and I wasn’t happy with my body composition and measurements.

As a means to contend with my body composition issues, I started to take an appetite suppressant that also functioned as a fat burner. This is a very effective and exceedingly potent supplement, but it made me feel tired. It felt like there was a perpetual cloud in my head that made my thoughts fuzzy and unclear. I had started to trim down in less than a week while taking these pills, but I was also very sluggish and unable to finish my workout sessions.

That was when the internal berating started. I questioned why I should even bother doing what I’m doing. Why can’t I just be like the other women at the gym who show up for their one hour sessions and be pleased with herself? Why can’t I just be satisfied in maintaining a low carb, low cal diet and have the lean and cut body that can’t handle anything more than two hours worth of work?

The answer to these question is actually quite simple – because I want to be an athlete. I want to be able to say that I am an athlete without being shy about it. I want to be able to say that I am, more specifically, an endurance athlete. I want to be able to validate that statement by providing a litany of events that I’ve COMPLETED. There is pride and confidence in being such a thing, and not just because of the competition of the events, but really all the training (emotional, mental and physical training) it took to get there.

With that in mind, I stopped taking the supplements, and I’m reevaluating my training schedule. In addition to chucking the goal of qualifying for the Boston this year, I’m just going to do what I want to do – be an athlete. I’m not quite sure what the means yet, and I know I still have to do the strength training and speed work, but I need to find that joy again. The joy for running, and the joy for exercise in general. I remember when it didn't seem like any sort of obligation as it is as of late. There was a time not too long ago when three hours of intense work would fly by unnoticed if not simply for the feeling of being content. I want that joy back, and I will be an athlete once again.